An Actual Sentence Spoken To (Or Near) Me Today Thread

"A low to moderate chance of being murdered is fine with me."

In regards to herping in Joshua Tree with a possible serial killer on the loose.

 

I caught the reptile bug recently so I’d take the chance to go herping.

“you’re sterile now dude”
- anti-vax guy on Facebook insisting that the “population control vaccine” made me sterile.

 

My Uncle - Because of the new mandate I'm gonna get fired if I don't get vaccinated but fuck them I still won't do it!

Me - Why not? You're overweight. You have high blood pressure. You smoke like you're a fucking ham and you drink like a sailor. Covid is gonna cook you like a sunlight cooks vampires.

Uncle - I don't trust anything that's free so I'll take my chances.

Me - The fuck? I've seen you at Costco. You scarf down free samples without even letting those old ladies tell you what they are. You ate a dog treat by accident twice. You sign up for every contest and giveaway and free sample you can get your hands on. You had your identity stolen twice. Now you have a problem with free?

Uncle - Okay okay but I heard the vaccine can make you sterile.

Me - That is totally not true at all and you're 63 fucking years old. The last time you thought you were going to have sex it turned out to be with a prostitute who was actually an undercover cop. The only way you'll ever reproduce is if an alien infects you and a baby alien bursts out of your fucking chest.

Uncle - Respect your elders!

Me - Be less stupid!

 

That's hilarious!

 

no one has the chance to pick its family, but boy, you have been badly served I would say

 

I don’t think I’m an introvert, I just don’t like most people.

 

Waitress- How so you want that steak cooked?

Food ruiner- Well done.

 

Did they also ask for ketchup?

 

Another one today, different person:

"Do people still use skullbrain?"

 

No, don't bother going there, it's a desert.

 

About a week ago on Facebook I encountered a mom of three that thought bacteria in poop morphs into parasites. I told her that spontaneous generation doesn’t happen. She asked me if I had done research.

Every day I lose my will to live on this planet, take me away aliens

 

If you take a dirty shirt and throw it into a grain bin, at least six rats will be generated from it. Everybody knows this.

 

I stopped listening after that.

 

"Skullbrain? That place scares me."

 

"Not too hot oat milk Babychino"

 

Babychino? What is that??

 

Oat milk is cloudy oat water and nobody can convince me otherwise

 

Well, it was said by a mother, to a barrista, at a coffee bar, whilst I was waiting to collect my coffee.

I believe she thought this mini oak milk froth would soothe the little precious she spawned and didn't appear to have ever heard the word 'No' in it's life. Personally, I'd have thought a muzzle and being strapped into a pushchair may have been a quicker remedy to the little toads rampage.

 

Can't say Maddie, never tried it, so I'll take your word for it. However, it does feel akin to drinking the water you would get from making bad porridge.

I also get a wry smile from almond milk, and similar nut based 'milks'; the thought of a bunch of factory workers, sitting in a dark room, trying to milk a nut, does make the idiot in me chuckle...

 

i refer to anything that doesn’t come from a nursing mammals breast as a “juice”.

oat juice nut juice etc.

pulverizing something adding water and chemicals for taste does not make something milk.

 

Udderly ridiculous.

 

The core issue with plant-based milks is that there is no substitute for real animal fat. They will lighten the flavor of the tea or coffee, but the sensation of those delicious milkfat molecules rolling around on your taste buds will always be missing.