What did one atom say to the other atom when it decided to loose an electron? Are you positive? Q: What is the chemical formula for the molecules in candy? A: Carbon-Holmium-Cobalt-Lanthanum-Tellurium or CHoCoLaTe
Well, jokes about hoarding toys would probably offend most of us. Jokes about sexism would only offend 50% of us. Jokes about bigotry would only offend about maybe 20% us if you tell a joke about a certain ethnicity/religion. So your safest bet to offend the least amount of people percentage-wise would be to tell a bigoted, sexist joke...
I won't bother with the one about the 10 lb. balls. Instead, I'll just jump to the punchline. (it's testicles)
Grasshopper walks into a bar. Bartender says, "Hey, we've got a drink named after you". Grasshopper says, "You've got a drink called Irving?" Badump-bump. (Acknowledgements to Dave Pirner)
Wanna hear a dirty joke? A little boy falls into the mud Wanna hear a clean joke? He takes a bath with bubbles Wanna hear a dirty joke? Bubbles is Michal Jackson.
2 fish are sitting in a tank.. one says to the other.. "do know how to drive this thing?" THANK YOU ILL BE AT COBBS ALL THIS WEEK!
A long one, but stick with it: THIS IS SOME KIND OF CHILLI CONTEST *Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better! For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chilli Cook off about the time the Rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome. The notes are from an inexperienced Chilli taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast. Frank: “Recently, I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a chilli cook-off. The third judge called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table asking for directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chilli wouldn’t be all that spicy and besides they told me I could have all the free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.” Here are the scorecards from the event: Chilli #1 (Mike’s Manic Mobster Monster Chilli) Judge #1 – A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick. Judge #2 – Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild. Judge #3 – (Frank) Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. It took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that’s the worst one, these Texans are crazy. Chilli # 2 (Arthur’s Afterburner Chilli) Judge #1 – Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang. Judge #2 – Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. Judge #3 – (Frank) Keep this out of the reach of children. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face. Chilli # 3 (Fred’s Famous Burn Down the Barn Chilli) Judge #1 – Excellent firehouse chilli. Great kick. Needs more beans. Judge #2 – A bean less chilli, a bit salty, good use of peppers. Judge #3 – (Frank) Call the EPA. I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everybody knows the routine by now. Get me some more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting shit-faced from all the beer. Chilli # 4 (Bubba’s Black Magic) Judge # 1 – Black bean chilli with almost no spice. Disappointing. Judge # 2 – Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chilli. Judge # 3 – I felt something scrape across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb lady is starting to look HOT…just like this nuclear waste I’m eating! Is chilli an aphrodisiac? Chilli # 5 (Linda’s Legal Lip Remover) Judge # 1 – Meaty, strong chilli. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive. Judge # 2 – Chilli using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. Judge # 3 – My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chilli had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I’m burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Stuff those rednecks! Chilli # 6 (Vera’s Very Vegetarian Variety) Judge # 1 – Thin, yet bold vegetarian variety chilli. Good balance of spices and peppers. Judge # 2 – The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions and garlic. Superb. Judge # 3 – I shat myself when I farted and I’m worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can’t feel my lips any more. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone. Chilli # 7 (Susan’s Screaming Sensation Chilli) Judge # 1 – A mediocre chilli with too much reliance on canned peppers. Judge # 2 – Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chilli peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably. Judge #3 – (Frank). You could place a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel a thing. I’ve lost the sight in one eye and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chilli, which slid out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like stuff which matches my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing, it’s too painful. Sod it; I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the four inch hole in my stomach. Chilli # 8 (Tommy’s Toe-nail Curling Chilli) Judge # 1 – The perfect ending, this is a nice blended chilli. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence. Judge # 2 –This final entry is a good, balanced chilli. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chilli pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor Dude, wonder how he’d have reacted to a really hot chilli?
A bear and a rabbit are in the woods taking a crap... the bear says to the rabbit: "damn! don't you just hate it when you get shit on your fur?" the rabbit: "not really". The bear wipes his ass with the rabbit.
