One day, a guy hears a knock at his door and when he answers it, there's a giant snail there. The giant snail says, "Hey, can I talk to you about something?" The man pushes the snail away and says, "Get out of here!" Three years later, there's a knock at the door. The man answers and the giant snail is standing there, asking, "What the hell was that all about?"
If the first joke doesn't get you...the second one will!!! A man and a woman, who have never met before, but are both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly... he in the upper bunk and she in the lower. At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the women saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? "I'm awfully cold." "I have a better idea," she replied, "let's pretend that we're married." "Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed. "Good," she replied. "Get your own fucking blanket!" After a moment of silence, he farted. A man enters a bar with his pet monkey. The man walks straight up to the bar when his monkey companion jumps on a nearby pool table grabs a pool ball and swallows it whole. The bartender, shocked, asks the man “Why in the hell did he do that?” The man replies, “He always eats things whole.” Two days latter the same man with his monkey go into the same bar. This time the monkey follows the man to the bar. The monkey grabs a peanut off the bar sticks it up his ass and then eats it. The bartender shocked at this asks, “Why did he stick it up his ass first?” The man replies, “Ever since the pool ball he makes sure everything will fit.”
Yup, both forums. (Read my previous post). It's like 2-2 at the moment. Feeling cranky? Well, I hope this thread cheers you up! Nice start you guys...
One time I met a guy with a huge round orange head. I asked him how it got that way. "Well, I came across this old lamp, and as I was polishing it up a genie came out and said he'd grant me three wishes. "For my first wish, I asked for millions of dollars," and he opened his wallet to show me that he had lots of cash in there. "For my second wish, I asked for a beautiful girlfriend," and he gestured to a really amazing-looking girl who was standing nearby. "For my third wish, and this was probably a mistake, I asked for this huge round orange head."
Man's crossing the hot steamy desert with no water for hundreds of miles. He is dying of thirst. He kicks a Magic lamp and so doing awakens the Genie inside. The Genie pops out and say now that you have freed me you are granted three wishes (Typical Genie stuff). The man says he is dying of thirst and would like some water. The genie conjures up a bottle full of ice cold water. The man grabs it and downs the whole bottle. Once the bottle is empty it fills back up again. The Genie says it is a magic bottle and that it will never be empty. Once finished it will refill itself. The mans amazed - he drinks down another bottle full, it fill back up! He pours it out onto the hot burning sands - it fills back up. The Genie then askes - You have two more wishes - what will they be. The man, amazed at the bottle says - I will take two more of these!
Today's Chuckle A Hollywood agent is just about washed up in the biz when the Devil pops up. He tells the agent, " I can get you the exlusive contracts for Brad Pitt, Agelina Jolie, Jim Carrey and Tom Hanks. In return I will kill all of your friends, your wife and kids and your parents, and their souls will writhe in agony in the fiery Pits for all eternity. The agents asks, " So what's the catch?"
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack. "Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday." Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager. Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral. The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?" The bank manager looks back at her and says... "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
I'm feeling a bit lonely at the moment and so I decided life would be more fun if I had a pet. So, I went to the pet shop and told the owner that I wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, I finally bought a Centipede which came in a little white box to use for his house. I took the box back home, found a good location for it, and decided I would start off by taking my new pet to the pub to have a drink. So, I asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go down the Queen's Head with me and have a beer?" But there was no answer. This bothered me a bit, but I waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the pub for a drink?" But again, there was no answer from my new friend and pet. So, I waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. I decided to ask him one more time; this time putting my face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to The Queen's Head and have a drink with me?" A little voice came out of the box:........... "I heard you the first time! I'm putting my F***ing shoes on."
And the Half-Time score: KR: 19 , SB: 11. (Not that I'm trying to be devisive or anything) ... Two Polar Bears were walking across the ice one day: Mummy Bear and Baby Bear, trudging across the Tundra. Baby Bear turns to Mummy Bear and asks: "Mummy, what kind of bear am I?". "Why, you're a Polar Bear dear", Mummy Bear smiles. A little bit later, looking puzzled, Baby Bear turns to his mother again and asks: "How do you KNOW I'm a Polar Bear, mummy?". Mum laughs: "Well dear, I'M a Polar Bear, your DADDY was a Polar Bear...so you must be a Polar Bear too!". But Baby Bear still looks puzzled, and sure enough, a little while later, he stops his mother and asks again: "Mum, are you SURE I'm a Polar Bear?". Exasperated, his Mum turns to him and says: "Of COURSE you're a Polar Bear dear! Now, why do you keep asking?". "Well..." answers the baby, "because I'm fucking freezing!".
OK Alice, here's one I just made up for you: One evening Crowley comes home from a lodge meeting and there is his best friend William humping away on top of his gal, the Scarlet Woman. "What in the name of Choronzon is going on here?" Crowley thundered. "Chill" purred Scarlet. "It's love under Will!"
Did you really make that up? How clever! See, I've got this theory that all the jokes in the world were actually made up by ONE PERSON, and he (or she) DIED in about 1975, so there have been NO NEW JOKES since then. Did you know that there were NO JOKES before WWII? And also there are NO JOKES in languages other than English? That's why, for example, Japanese TV programs are so stupid. Of course, some jokes have been translated, but they don't work as well. ...It's just a theory mind. Anyway, just for that, I'm going to declare Skullbrain the Winner. There were MORE jokes on KR, but I have to say the STANDARD here was much higher. Thank you. You have proved to me that toy-collectors do in fact have a sense of humor.
