An Actual Sentence Spoken To (Or Near) Me Today Thread

"It's so nice to be massaged by balls and not real humans"

And.....

"Maybe I could have gotten away with that before my stomach became a butthole"

 

Mommy I just sneezed out a nail

 

"I don't even like this fancy coffee shit. I just buy it and drink it cause it looks pretty and cause everyone else drinks it. What the fuck am I doing? My whole life is just a lie."

"Ma'am, does that mean you don't want your order? You already paid for it."

"Yeah I still want it. Can you make sure the sticker doesn't cover the starbucks logo? It makes the pictures look stupid."

 

"This chocolate bar says it's flecked with handmade artisan salt from the ocean. Can that be true?"

"Yeah it's not that uncommon to make salt that way."

"So there is fish poop in my chocolate?"

"No that's not how it works..."

"Smells like fish poop. Tastes like fish poop. Came from the ocean where all the fish poop. It's fish poop."

"Okay fine it's fish poop. Can I have it?"

"No, buy your own fish poop."

 

Guy at work: "These god damn drivers are stupider by the day. I hope they all get f*cking audited."

Me: (In my head) "What's more stupid, the drivers or your ability to speak English?"

 

Said by a young woman to her friend whilst browsing in a shop with a radio-station playing adverts in the background:
"I hate it when they use children to advertise stuff . . . . it's very off-putting".

I totally agree.

 

Customer: "Where can i find the Pokemans at?"

Me: *Cringes while trying to smile*

 

Two friends of mine talking to each other while we had lunch...

Girl 1 - "It was such a long day. I need a sugar daddy."

Girl 2 - "What? Seriously? It's that kind of shit that keeps us down as women. Our unwillingness to do things all by ourselves. To think all we need to do is be pretty and everything else will work itself out is where most of our problems come from. We aren't princesses who just need to wait for prince charming to sweep us off our feet into a happily ever after. That mentality is why it's so hard for us to get ahead in business too because people assume whatever we make is just secondary income for our husbands so it doesn't matter if we get that raise or promotion. I am pretty disgusted with you right now!"

Girl 1 - "I meant the fucking candy that is just hard caramel and comes in the yellow wrapper that says sugar daddy on it in big red letters you nutjob!"

Me - " Now I'm disgusted with you, that candy was awful.."

 

"So you mentholated your taint, that fuuucking sucks!"

Jason Ellis show.

 

So... just another day on Grindr then?

 

Her - Let's go to sushirritio!

Me - What the hell is a sushirrito?

Her - It's this really cool place where they take traditional sushi ingredients and make HUGE burritos out of them! Big portions of raw fish and veggies surrounded by lots of rice and all wrapped up in seaweed so you can carry it around just like a giant burrito!

Me - So, they took all the delicate beauty and elegance and tradition out of sushi and replaced it with the all american ideal of go big or go home we only eat stuff that's bigger than our own heads so lets shove everything into a giant tube of food?

Her - You take the fun out of everything I love.

Me - That's because all the stuff you love is stupid.

 

"Look Dad, that guy has a car just like yours!"
(Incredibly rich prick in red corvette looks me up and down)
"YOU have a Corvette!?"

"No Mate...she means RED."

Daughter walks off...... puts hand in big Mother-F Ostriches mouth.
"OH SH** IT BIT ME!"

 

This whole concept of a sushirrito makes me so incredibly sad.

 

Matt, did those two events happen in sequence? I'm confused... but your daughter sounds awesome.

Now I want to try a sushirrito, but only in preciously Japanese varieties, just to be obtuse. Kampyo and umeboshi and kappamaki please! Yum.

EDIT:

 

I read their menu and... some of those ingredients aren't supposed to be in sushi. Sriracha? Garlic? Portabello? The boyfriend says "it sounds like some hipster guy bought a bunch of cultural food, dropped it on the floor, picked them all up, and put them all in a burrito."

 

So they won't allow you to have soy sauce or wasabi but they'll add cheese and sriracha?

Fuck no.

 

Looks like something made by someone who was incredibly stoned.