Collecting and Your Spouse/Significant Other

Discussion in 'Whatever' started by Russblue11, Feb 6, 2023.

  1. Russblue11

    Russblue11 S7 Royalty

    Joined:
    Sep 11, 2010
    Messages:
    3,793
    Location:
    Orlando, FL
    Name:
    Kevin
    Collecting and Your Spouse/Significant Other
    So, I am hoping to have a serious discussion here...I am getting married soon and my fiancee and I are having increasingly heated discussions about the future of me collecting toys. My view is that I should have some sort of "petty cash fund" (like a monthly allowance) to spend on whatever I want. She mostly agrees, but we don't agree on what the amount should be. She also thinks that collecting anything at all is "unreasonable" (AKA a waste of money) and doesn't collect anything herself. I think that if it brings me happiness and is not "out of control," it should be considered a good thing.

    Some questions I'm interested in hearing feedback on:
    1) What is your significant other's/spouse's view of your collecting?
    2) How do you determine how much you can spend per month? Is this from a joint account or your own account?
    3) If you signed a prenup, how did you factor your future collection into it?
    4) If you've been divorced, how did you handle the collection? For example, were you forced to sell a portion or did you have to "buy out" their "half"?
    5) If you have had children, how did that affect your collecting?

    Please PM me if you don't feel like answering in the thread. Any feedback is helpful since neither of us have been married and we don't personally know any couples who have faced this issue.

    I tried using the search function but didn't find any threads that matched. This is kind of a similar thread but not exactly what I am looking for: http://skullbrain.org/bb/index.php?threads/ever-consider-quitting-collecting.34880/
     
  2. eleggua

    eleggua Toy Prince

    Joined:
    Jun 14, 2014
    Messages:
    288
    Location:
    CA
    Collecting and Your Spouse/Significant Other
    That's all that should matter to both.
     
  3. xSuicide Squadx

    xSuicide Squadx Super Deformed

    Joined:
    Apr 16, 2013
    Messages:
    5,531
    Location:
    Phoenix, Arizona
    Name:
    Robert
    Instagram:
    manic_1mag3s
    Collecting and Your Spouse/Significant Other
    My ex and I had a discussion about this very early on in my collecting, back when it was solely Western vinyl(as it’s all I knew about). It pretty much came down to this: so long as bills are paid, I make my own monies, and can/will spend it as such. She was a makeup artist at the time, and still is VERY damn good at it, so she was in constant spending of new makeup, as well as replenishing favorite brands(like collecting multiple versions of one sculpt). We also kept separate accounts for our individual funds and paid bills together. If it’s not endangering any responsibilities or impeding on your SO in any legitimate manner it shouldn’t even be an issue. I can see space being a discussion, but that can also be an allotted agreement.

    On a more personal note: if collecting hasn’t been an issue throughout the relationship, I’m failing to see why getting married would suddenly make it one.
     
  4. Anti Social Andy

    Anti Social Andy Die-Cast

    Joined:
    Feb 2, 2006
    Messages:
    10,173
    Location:
    The Grim North
    Collecting and Your Spouse/Significant Other
    My answer got way too deep . . . PM'd! ;)
     
  5. sharkbait

    sharkbait Toy Prince

    Joined:
    Aug 23, 2014
    Messages:
    133
    Collecting and Your Spouse/Significant Other
    Personally if she feels like your collecting is a waste of time/ money, then she's discounting a good chunk of who you are. She really ought to invest in why you're so passionate about collecting and only worry about it if it does become a detriment to your financial situation. If at any point in this you're thinking it could end in divorce (and it looks like you are), then maybe marriage should be off the books for now. She's gotta be 1000% with you and not just waiting to lay down rules for your happiness once you put a ring on it.
     
  6. The Moog

    The Moog Die-Cast

    Joined:
    Apr 15, 2010
    Messages:
    13,378
    Location:
    Gert Brizzle UK
    Collecting and Your Spouse/Significant Other
    This, is a fundamental difference between you, and if she feels strongly about it ... I'd say your collecting days as you know them are about to change dramatically.

    I've never been married, but I know plenty of collectors who've been through this. Domestically, women tend to rule the roost and say what goes. Most blokes give in, and end up going along with their wife's wishes for a quiet life.

    Of course, you may be different.
     
  7. Horsefeathers

    Horsefeathers Toy Prince

    Joined:
    Aug 23, 2021
    Messages:
    254
    Location:
    The Ether
    Name:
    Ryan
    Collecting and Your Spouse/Significant Other
    I thought I'd PM, but no reason anyone couldn't read this as food for thought...

    I think it really depends on how you keep your money. If you keep your money separate, and bills are shared and paid, you can do whatever with what you have left over. If you share your money it's vital you both understand how that works going forward.

    As for myself, I'm married. All of the money my wife and I make hit the same bank account. It's our money and all major financial decisions are made together. What's major is something you'd have to define with your fiance.

    1) What is your significant other's/spouse's view of your collecting?
    My wife has told me in the past that my real hobby is shopping. She's only half joking. That being said she understands these things bring joy, and the cash spent on a number exceedingly hurtful things, so in the grand scheme of things it's harmless. That's not to say you should be allowed to collect out of fear.

    2) How do you determine how much you can spend per month? Is this from a joint account or your own account?
    We share all of our money. What's mine is hers, and hers mine. This topic is a massive fundamental marital issue that you should figure our before you get married, imo.

    How much I spend depends on a number of factors.
    Are the bills paid?
    How much is left over?
    Are we saving for anything? I.E. A house, a car, a vacation, etc.. Every dollar you spend on a collection puts you further way from another goal in theory (this is something I've been considering myself lately as collecting isn't my only interest / goal).
    Do we need to cut back and save for an emergency?

    3) If you signed a prenup, how did you factor your future collection into it?
    4) If you've been divorced, how did you handle the collection? For example, were you forced to sell a portion or did you have to "buy out" their "half"?
    My wife and I do not have a prenup., and neither of us have been divorced.

    5) If you have had children, how did that affect your collecting?
    Kid comes first in every way imo. I sold off some of my collection to fund some things when the kid is born. One of the positive things about collecting is that things can appreciate in value (although I would never count on this).

    Lastly, two things:

    One, I'd consider seeing a marriage counselor who can help you figure these things out ahead of time and gives you an impartial party to mediate these discussions.

    Two, and this may be semi-controversial, but I would strongly recommend you follow the very basics of Dave Ramsey's financial advice (Dave Ramsey has some conservative / religious attachments which is why I say semi-controversial. Just ignore all that shit). His basics of saving genuinely changed my life, and is just damn good life advice for living in America.

    1.) Save $1,000 for a starting emergency fund
    2.) Pay off all your debt except your house by snowballing debt payments. (https://www.capitalone.com/learn-grow/money-management/what-is-debt-snowball/)
    3.) Save 3-6 months living expenses in your emergency fund.

    There are additional steps beyond these three you can take or leave, but if you can manage these collecting should be far less of an issue for you both overall. And yes, doing this sucks, and how quickly depends on how much you sacrifice up front, but for me personally it's paid huge dividends in how I am able to live my life.

    So many words...
     
  8. Geobukgan

    Geobukgan Toy Prince

    Joined:
    Aug 26, 2012
    Messages:
    344
    Location:
    Bay Area
    Instagram:
    sup_stagram
    Collecting and Your Spouse/Significant Other
    1) What is your significant other's/spouse's view of your collecting? She goes back and forth between "I respect that this is important to you and brings you joy" and "There is so much clutter and this is such a waste of money" a few times a week.
    2) How do you determine how much you can spend per month? Is this from a joint account or your own account? We have a set amount that comes from my own account. We determined this after projecting our (i) monthly income, (ii) monthly expenses, and (iii) saving goals.
    3) If you signed a prenup, how did you factor your future collection into it? / 4) If you've been divorced, how did you handle the collection? For example, were you forced to sell a portion or did you have to "buy out" their "half"? Did not sign a prenup and have not been divorced.
    5) If you have had children, how did that affect your collecting. Have a little one one the way in a few months. Kid will obviously become my main priority but I'm hoping to keep collecting in some capacity to hold on to some part of my pre-parent life. I don't necessarily expect to spend the same amount, but my wife and I will likely have to sit down again after the first few child expenses to re-forecast our financial plan.

    I touched upon it in 2) and 5), but if you haven't already, I highly recommend sitting down and creating a financial plan with your spouse. This involves creating a spreadsheet where you track (i) the $$$ amount in all of your accounts including any savings accounts, 401(k), stocks etc, (ii) expenses broken down by category such as groceries, bills, etc, and (iii) progress being made on any individual or joint savings goals. Point (iii), especially in the context of a joint savings accounts, is great. It'll make both of you feel like you're working towards a common goal and motivate you to re-think the way you spend money to make sure you're being loyal to that goal.

    Most important of all, you need to sit down once a month, on a pre-determined date, to update the sheet and talk to your partner about where you are and where you're headed.

    The first few times, this will be incredibly painful. Most cultures have some taboo against talking about money and it'll feel like exposing some extremely embarrassing part of yourself. But it's best to rip off the bandage as soon as possible and get on with it. I promise your relationship will be much healthier for it.

    If anything doing this will show her that you have the space for some "petty money" that you should be able to spend without them questioning you OR make you realize you might not have the wiggle room that you previously thought.
     
    Last edited: Feb 7, 2023
    Russblue11, eleggua and Horsefeathers like this.
  9. 666doll

    666doll Mini Boss

    Joined:
    Dec 22, 2006
    Messages:
    4,551
    Location:
    Long Beach Rock City
    Collecting and Your Spouse/Significant Other
    That goes for my drinking as well
     
  10. moodydoom

    moodydoom Addicted

    Joined:
    Apr 27, 2011
    Messages:
    947
    Location:
    Canada
    flickr:
    themoodydoom
    Instagram:
    moodydoom
    Collecting and Your Spouse/Significant Other
    happily married 13+ years and my partner doesn't get why I collect toys at all. They're way more mindful about amassing objects than I am in general. I think it's an oversimplification to just expect that someone needs to get your love for toys to be your partner, that's just not life. When someone isn't into something that carries a monetary value, they will almost always see it as a 'waste of money' because there's no inherent value to them in it. (shoes, toys, fancy restaurants, jewelry, art, furniture, the list is endless depending on where you land)

    we've survived by
    - my partner not checking up on what I spend and trusting me to be responsible, and me taking that trust seriously
    - only one dedicated space in the house at any given time for toys, no displaying them all over the place
    - a few ninja moves on my part (not often) but definitely when I knew that a postal delivery was just gonna cause stress.

    We've had some heated debates over the years, and the reality is a toy collector will set rules for themselves and easily break them when something they have to have comes along : ). A big issue right now is that I have no space in our current set-up to display anything, so when I buy anything toy- related it literally goes into my collection in the basement, which only makes it all seem more wasteful to a non-collector. I refuse to miss out on stuff I love just because I don't have space right now though, so my hope continues : )

    My collecting has always been somewhat modest, but once I had a kid (now 6 years old) things changed dramatically for those first few years. I scaled back dramatically and just accepted that I didn't have the money to be dropping $100 on a new release frequently. Everything else had to come first. And life got damn expensive after a kid.

    Fast forward six years and the bright side is that my son loves my collection and we regularly go to vintage toy shows together now. The downside is my toy budget is now somewhat shared, and there's been a few visits to the basement where my kid has talked me out of something : ) (his room is a mix of star wars, kaiju, and he-man these days)

    One thing that's helped me is ongoing curation, if there's something I really want and it's expensive, I sell toys. I've sold toys I love, but I find that I've also outgrown things I thought I loved, so continually forcing myself to sell things to buy things has made me much more particular about what I buy. I also feel less guilty if I know I'm selling to spend. I've also stopped jumping on small impulse toy purchases which actually can rack up a significant sum each month, which is way better put towards stuff you love.

    All that said, shipping is really fucking with my budgets these days, so I've slowly been moving to more vintage American toys available at toy shows I can get to, rather than buying online.

    Appreciate people sharing their stories here, I think most of us will agree that there's no way in hell we're gonna give up this part of ourselves. some might have it easier with partners, some not: the struggle is real, but the toy buying continues : )
     
    Yobdoom, Russblue11, zindabad and 9 others like this.
  11. nico000

    nico000 Toy Prince

    Joined:
    Mar 26, 2013
    Messages:
    376
    Location:
    Berkeley, CA
    Collecting and Your Spouse/Significant Other
    Been in two long relationships. First one we were 'legally together' and the current one we are married.

    I am also a couple counselor, so I have that perspective too.

    First relationship, my wife was all over my ass about how I spent money. It had nothing much to do with toys and more with growing up in different environment with widely different views about the matter. To make matters worst, we were running a business together, hence one bank account. We made it work by agreeing on a budget. Turned out it wasn't enough. She wouldn't accept the way I was with money and kept judging me for it. One of the many reasons we stopped being together. Looking back and knowing what I now know, I would have had a much longer conversation about our relationship to money and spending before moving in together and certainly start a business together. When we separated, she couldn't have cared less about my collection. We are now better friends than we were a couple.

    Now I am married. Culture shock even bigger than with previous partner (I guess I like challenges...). We spoke a lot about our cultural differences prior to getting married and both felt confident we were good enough on that subject matter before getting married. We do not work together and keep separate bank accounts. Issue is, I make more and feel much more comfortable spending (make more and spend much more). My tendencies for spending and collecting can bring up difficult feelings. Main issue for her was perceiving me spending more on my collection than on us. Since I have been made aware of that, it isn't anymore an issue anymore.

    I always had my toys on display in the living room. One of the way that works is that I dont overpopulate my shelves. Lots of space between toys makes it look 'artsy' as opposed to 'hoarding'. If I had a room for toys I think it would get out of end pretty quickly.

    General rule in those kind of discussion: do not argue (I was in fact never spending more on toys than on us, but that wasn't the point), instead, figure out what is your significant other trying to say, what can be done about it. Whenever either of you feel 'triggered', defensive, aggressive, etc. stop the discussion or deescalate if you have the skill set. If you have strong feelings, your rationale brain aint connected and whatever comes out of your mouth aint worth the air.

    While I agree with everyone here noting we are collectors and it is pretty important for our significant others to get that, I would say it is as important for us to get that our significant others isnt (if that is indeed the case). Collecting is a weird thing and the internet is making it WAY to important. For this year my challenge is to only buy toys at shows (nothing to do with my wife, just me caring about my own mental health). I'll report back in December.
     
  12. Anti Social Andy

    Anti Social Andy Die-Cast

    Joined:
    Feb 2, 2006
    Messages:
    10,173
    Location:
    The Grim North
    Collecting and Your Spouse/Significant Other
    Good advice, if you can manage it! My missus and I have managed to maintain a 12 month 'safety net' for the last 10 years or so, and it reduces the stress and disagreements about money to virtually nil!
     
    zindabad, eleggua, wingnut0 and 5 others like this.
  13. Brooklyn_Vinyl

    Brooklyn_Vinyl Line of Credit

    Joined:
    Oct 14, 2013
    Messages:
    1,559
    Location:
    Spatula City
    Name:
    Jonathan
    Instagram:
    Brooklyn_Vinyl
    Collecting and Your Spouse/Significant Other
    Great topic, thanks for creating this thread!
    I can't recommend this enough. We followed the Dave Ramsey method several years ago and it was the best decision we ever made. We were never in cc debt but paying off cars and student loans was fantastic and now we only buy cars we can pay for outright and don't take on any other debt.

    We've been together for 22 years and will be married for 16 years on Saturday. I started collecting about 10 years ago +/-
    1. The collection is mostly tolerated and has infested almost every room of the house at this point. She doesn't collect anything and feels it is a waste of time and money. But the fact that I have as much as I have all over the house speaks to her level of tolerance. I think she likes it on a certain level but would be more than happy if it all disappeared tomorrow.
    2. All of our accounts are joint. We are probably considered middle to upper middle class. We max out our work retirement accounts contributions and Roth contributions and make extra payments on our mortgage per the abovementioned Dave Ramsey plan. I only mention this because we wouldn't have allowances if this wasn't the case. She makes about 50% more than I do. We give ourselves an allowance every month of $100. I don't know how we came to this number but that's what it's been for about 10 years (no accounting for inflation!). We have very different views on how to spend our "extra" money so an allowance works really well for us. If I sell toys it goes back into my slush fund and makes the collecting a lot more doable especially when there are Gargamel lotteries and lucky bags.
    3. NA
    4. NA
    5. Having kids 12 & 9 hasn't affected the collecting much as far as what I spend. But when they were younger I definitely displayed the figures out of reach
     
    Last edited: Feb 7, 2023
  14. JoeMan

    JoeMan Mini Boss

    Joined:
    Dec 3, 2007
    Messages:
    4,863
    Location:
    NY
    flickr:
    splurrt
    Instagram:
    splurrt
    Collecting and Your Spouse/Significant Other
    My advice would be A, be weary of relationship advice solicited online, because people don’t know anything about your relationship and half of them are just going to say that doesn’t sound like a good relationship and maybe you should pull the plug. Imagine if your fiancé posted online about you being addicted to buying vinyl toys and spending too much money on them. You can imagine there would be plenty of women telling her to leave you, the sad part is half of them probably have far worse relationship problems and wouldn’t follow their own advice.
    Secondly a relationship is always finding compromise and balance on both sides, if it’s impacting the comfort of her living space or security maybe you should set a limit you can both live with.
    Third I would look towards the future and factor that into your toy buying, I can tell you I have a lot of shit now, I don’t want anymore and probably couldn’t give it away, but bought it because at the time I just fancied myself a toy collector and it was what I did. Once you have kids, and you should have kids, or why get married. They are life’s greatest joy, things will be vastly different, you might start wishing you had been more responsible when you need to buy a 4 bedroom house and all your toys are boxed up because your kids need the space for their nursery, or find out daycare costs you 1400 a month, or buy that new suv. Now I’m not telling you not to buy toys, I’m just saying you are entering a new stage of life that will be the first of many new stages, that get progressively more expensive and you might want to begin to move away from the mindset of a single man and start to think more about the family that’s coming up and your future.
     
  15. SstatusSkuo

    SstatusSkuo Toy Prince

    Joined:
    Jan 15, 2016
    Messages:
    412
    Name:
    Kevin
    Instagram:
    sstatusskuo
    Collecting and Your Spouse/Significant Other
    My partner doesn't understand why I buy the things I buy, which is totally fair because I don't quite understand it either. That said, she also doesn't question it, save for the occasional "more toys?" when a package comes in (a rhetorical question really, because duh.. more toys). We had conversations about it early on and her concerns were completely valid: it's an expensive ass hobby! All I could do at the time was assure & reassure her that I wouldn't put myself or us in a position where we are in the hole financially because of my hobbies, and though there'd been some times when I've bitten off more than I could chew, I think I've lived true to that principle for the most part. Like few have mentioned above, when push comes to shove I just sell stuff from my collection to offset the purchase of new stuff. Paypal credit has gone a long way for me in terms of allowing me time to sell pieces to repay the debt of a new piece.

    My partner equally has things she spends money on that I don't understand. Things like new clothes that always remain BNWT until the day she decides to donate them, hundreds of dollars per hair appointment, etc. I don't stop her though. Life has led me to realize that the older we get, the rarer joy is, and if those things bring her joy then I want her to go get them. I guess as long as priorities are kept in check, there shouldn't be an issue imo.

    We are expecting a daughter soon though, so I'm getting ready to cut that toy budget by about 75% at least lol.
     
    Russblue11, zindabad, eleggua and 2 others like this.
  16. skaldavsatanssol

    skaldavsatanssol Toy Prince

    Joined:
    Oct 31, 2016
    Messages:
    495
    Collecting and Your Spouse/Significant Other
    Hate to take half measures but it definitely becomes a requirement when kids enter the equation. My wife has always been tolerant and supportive of my hobby but if I take a good hard look at myself - I could probably own a house with more space for the kids rather than continuing to rent a shitty two bedroom apartment if it wasn't for my hobbies. I am a compulsive hedonist when it comes to spending and I have now decided that since my wife is back at work again, it is time to combine incomes. What this effectively means is we will have an agreed "splurge" amount per month. That will hurt when it comes to missing out on the big ticket items but after all her support - I think it is time.

    Essentially I would recommend doing the same. Work out an agreed budget with your partner and try to stick to it. The reason why this is easier said than done is because realistically we are addicted to shiny EXPENSIVE toys and it sometimes it feels like no budget will ever be big enough. The upshot of sticking to a budget is that you will not feel like you betrayed your partner by sneaking behind their back to get the next hit - once again landing your income in the red.
     
    Last edited: Feb 7, 2023
  17. hellscrape

    hellscrape Comment King

    Joined:
    Jun 13, 2013
    Messages:
    1,171
    Collecting and Your Spouse/Significant Other
    I think it's important to find balance, to sum up what everyone says...
    if she does not let you have any toys or enjoyment, that's a problem.
    if your toys are overtaking your residence and you're not actively investing/planning for an increasingly uncertain future, that's a problem.
    moderation in all, said epicurus the sage.
     
  18. Mr. Humphreys

    Mr. Humphreys Mini Boss

    Joined:
    Feb 28, 2008
    Messages:
    4,318
    Location:
    Land of Plush
    Collecting and Your Spouse/Significant Other
    Great topic and good discussions! Definitely agree that you have to strike a balance, whether you are with a significant other or not! i.e. you still have to meet your essential expenses and have a decent amount set aside for the future/retirement/etc... regardless if you are single or partnered.

    I think the most helpful thing in a relationship where you are sharing expenses is to treat collecting or hobbies of your own, as a personal "recreational expense" (whatever that may be--toys, art, beany babies, etc...). My Ex was a world class mountaineer and traveled the world to climb. He definitely spent a lot on travel expenses as well as all the technical gear needed to do what he did. I collected a lot of stuff in addition to toys, all fairly expensive. We pooled our income and expenses, drew up a budget for long-term expenses (car, joint vacations, retirement, etc) as well as monthly expenses, and distributed our funds accordingly. Then after all the expenses were accounted for, we determined how much money was left for recreational expenses, and divided that amount 50/50 for each of us, and spent or saved it however we wanted, so there was no need to argue over who was spending what and how often. We allowed each other "special occasions" where one of us asked for a little extra once in awhile.

    1) My Ex was very supportive of my collecting, both toys, art, and all the other stuff. He enjoyed my collections. And yes! When we parted, we each kept our own "personal" stuff
    2) Kept a monthly budget for long-term and monthly expenses. Any remaining monthly funds for "recreational spending" was divided 50/50 so each could spend or save this fund for personal use
    3) No prenup, thankfully we parted each with our own stuff
    4) No buying out or monetary settlement!
    5) No children, but if we did have them, then our "essential expenses" would come first and eat into most of the "recreational expenses"

    *The main concern was filling up space with joint collections! We tried to accommodate each other. I had my Mom's house to fill at the time, so that never was really the issue, except for the fact that my Ex was jealous that I kept all the "best stuff" at my Mom's! ;)
     
    Last edited: Feb 9, 2023
  19. hellointerloper

    hellointerloper S7 Royalty

    Joined:
    Mar 29, 2014
    Messages:
    3,328
    Location:
    CT, United States
    Name:
    Maddie
    Instagram:
    hellointerloper
    Collecting and Your Spouse/Significant Other
    My ex didn’t have a problem with it, just thought they were kind of weird and expensive. (The weird part may have just been my own fault, I would sometimes take my Zagoran with me to his house, and seatbelt him in the passenger seat when at a rest stop. And I tucked the slit-mouthed woman into bed on his pillow… yeah, probably my fault.) I was using my own money though, so he didn’t really care.
    Of course everything is way different when you’re married and combine your finances… never got to that point in life, hah. If I did get married, there is no way I would stop collecting altogether. My parents and sister don’t collect anything at all so I’m kind of alone in this behavior. It’s worth fighting for if it’s something that makes me happy.
     
  20. eleggua

    eleggua Toy Prince

    Joined:
    Jun 14, 2014
    Messages:
    288
    Location:
    CA
    Collecting and Your Spouse/Significant Other
    Love's yin; love's yang.

    Ten cents worth of love advice:

    "A compromise would surely help the situation
    Agree to disagree but disagree to part
    When after all it's just a compromise of
    The things we do for love, the things we do for love...." - 10cc


    "Lovers leave without reason
    Feelings change just like seasons
    Love, nothing's for certain
    There's no use in pretending
    What's behind the curtain
    That's the way love is..." - Ten City
     
  21. Mr Fox

    Mr Fox Addicted

    Joined:
    Nov 25, 2019
    Messages:
    560
    Location:
    UK
    Collecting and Your Spouse/Significant Other
    Won’t add a long response because all of what I would have said is covered well in the considered posts above; however, I do strongly agree with @JoeMan that other than very generalist advice, it is challenging for anyone to comment specifically on the dynamic and merit of your current situation. Even a mild subconscious framing of your own situation based on comments read on the internet can damage. I am sure you won’t but I am glad it was highlighted above.

    What I would add, and seems to be the theme throughout the posts above is that I see two repeating elements :

    Communication - clear dialogue is important. It is too easy to fall into the trap of assuming that your partner knows what you are thinking, knows what you mean, doesn’t need it explained AND vice versa with their thoughts and emotions. You may be tired, you may get into a comfortable routine, you may feel they know what you mean and what you want but my advice would be to always communicate what you want and why; also to ensure you understand the same for them. You won’t always agree but if you can understand the other persons perspective and have a mutual respect, you can accept it (obviously large issues: have kids, don’t want kids, move to another State, want to get married/don’t want to get married, don’t fall into the above - I am purely talking about day to day things like how you use discretionary income, collecting, etc).

    Financial Planning - it is too easy to be reckless with money; the entire financial sector is set up to benefit from consumers making impulsive and poor decisions. Furthermore, as anyone who is in debt will know, the more you are in debt, the more they want to lend you. It is a horribly destructive business model but it can be avoided and, as mentioned above, there is plenty of sensible, often free, advice. However, none of is rocket science. Monthly expenditure needs to be less than income; add to that the creation of savings by putting some of the excess left over, once monthly expenses are paid, into a savings account that you don’t touch, are the cornerstones. If you are starting from a position of debt, that is where good advice to consolidate debt comes into play and the other more in-depth advice. With all that said, if you are taking a sensible approach to your finances, and are communicating, then how you spend your portion of the discretionary income really falls to you, imho. The only time it becomes a topic of conversation is if the money is being spent on something harmful to you or your partner.

    Just my two cents.
     
  22. Mr. Humphreys

    Mr. Humphreys Mini Boss

    Joined:
    Feb 28, 2008
    Messages:
    4,318
    Location:
    Land of Plush
    Collecting and Your Spouse/Significant Other
    As others have expressed, communication is very important. I forgot to add that my Ex and I had similar views on how to treat money. We kept an extensive spreadsheet on a monthly basis, and listed all different categories of expenses, and what was paid per month, and a running balance for each section. Until you do a budget, it's amazing how many categories of spending you need to keep a human and household going!). We calculated what percentage of our paychecks would infuse each section of the budget, and the budget got a monthly updated with each infusion. I let my Ex do the budget, and we would review where things were going at the end of the month. I tended to be more of a saver, he was more of a spender. As Mr. Fox mentioned, it's important to have a clear understanding on how to handle any debts. Fortunately we didn't have any debts going into the marriage, and our only debt at the time of the divorce, was a mortgage. We drew up an agreement on how that and a future sale of the condo would be settled. I can't stress enough that you should both sit down before getting married, to discuss how you will approach your finances, money goals, keeping track of things, etc... It will save a lot of misunderstandings and unpleasant surprises later. It's good to have a plan and method! FWIW we made sure we had at least a 3 year emergency fund to take care of things if either or both of us couldn't work. I know that's difficult in these times, but you should have a section in your budget to contribute to this on a monthly basis, and keep it in a fairly liquid investment (i.e. index funds in the stock market). When we divorced, we each kept our personal stuff/collections, and divided joint assets 50/50. In California, what you owned before your marriage remains yours at the time of the divorce, as long as you did NOT co-mingle money into that asset (i.e. premarital savings accounts should not show any deposits during the years you were married, real estate assets can't be maintained with income from joint paychecks, etc...)
     
    Last edited: Feb 9, 2023
    Russblue11 likes this.
  23. nico000

    nico000 Toy Prince

    Joined:
    Mar 26, 2013
    Messages:
    376
    Location:
    Berkeley, CA
    Collecting and Your Spouse/Significant Other
    Hahahaha
    Thank you for the laugh sir! Needed it.
     
  24. evom

    evom Mini Boss

    Joined:
    May 31, 2010
    Messages:
    4,079
    Collecting and Your Spouse/Significant Other
    If he was a collector I think he would have been more offended that you even owned that toy.
     
    Russblue11 likes this.
  25. zindabad

    zindabad Line of Credit

    Joined:
    Dec 28, 2017
    Messages:
    1,812
    Location:
    Fake New York
    Collecting and Your Spouse/Significant Other
    Love you Skullbrain. Reading this made me so happy.

    I am married, but I can't say better so I won't. Besides a big congratulations to you @Russblue11, from the bottom of my heart.
     

Share This Page